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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Record Breaker

Internet - let me teeeeeeelllllllll you, this weekend was what my friend James:

would describe as "a star-spangled rocket of awesome." On Friday I had a "fancy date," which was badass because I got to put on a dress a friend once described as "very boob-centric" and head out to a restaurant where waiters in piratey pants continually circle the room offering


There are not enough programming tricks in the world to emphasize how thrilling that is. Several of the aforementioned meats are also wrapped in bacon. I don't have to tell you how excited meat wrapped in other meat served on a weapon makes me. I'm not sure if you have ever had the meat-meat-sword combo plate, but if you haven't it's what I would imagine riding a rainbow feels like...only you can eat this rainbow...and it tastes like bacon making love to a steak.

Saturday there were bliss cakes and dog beaches and laptop orchestras and Ba'hai temples to be seen and afterwards, in the words of Biggie "my whole crew was loungin.*" The weekend was absolutely perfect and while spending the afternoon out in the sunshine, watching my dog awkwardly sniff other dogs and then immediately turn and run away like Oh me? I was over here the whole time totally not sniffing your ass at all, it occurred to me that it had been a while since I did anything head-turningly awkward. At least a week. No! More than a week! Probably about 10 days. Did you see those words? 10 FULL DAYS OF SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR, MAYBE MORE BECAUSE I GOT SO EXCITED AT DAY 8 THAT I KIND OF LOST COUNT.

That is a record. Hell, if I can make it ten full days without turning red in public or palm-sweating through a pair of mittens, I can probably also make it rain chocolate eclairs or stop time with my mind. I was already feeling like this when my nephew:

called with the perfect way to end an already perfect weekend - free tickets to see Vampire Weekend.

If there's one thing Indecent Proposal has taught me, it's that doing it on a big pile of money is probably pretty hot and there's no such thing as free. Ever. My nephew is a ticket broker and in exchange for two free tickets to a sold-out show, I'd have to sell five more. No big deal. That's why God made Craigslist. I listed the tickets, they sold in less than an hour, and Boomtown baby, we were ready to roll. All I had to do was meet some dude 30 minutes before the show, trade the tickets for some dolla-dolla billz, and enjoy an evening of V-neck sweater-filled rock. What I didn't count on was the barrage of questions this guy had. How long had I been a scalper? How much money did I usually make? What kind of office hours do I hold? Could he get REM tickets in May? It was incessant and the more I tried to explain that I really don't scalp tickets for a living, the more questions he asked. When the deal was over, he tied up the transaction by asking "What other shady things do you do? Do you have heroin(e) in your pocket too?" "No," I said, letting out an exasperated sigh. "I keep that stuff hidden...in a balloon...neatly tucked in my asshole."

And just like that the record was broken.


* although due to our middle class backgrounds, we were not "celebrate every day no more public housin." Sorry Notorious.


At 3:50 PM, Anonymous frank said...

one of those restaurants just opened up here. now i have to go.

At 3:48 AM, Anonymous Jeff said...

Another testament to your tender, middle class background was that you misspelled 'heroin'. Cute on the verge of being adorable...

At 12:24 PM, Blogger Chris said...

Oh God. I am so very uncool.

At 1:20 AM, Anonymous Jeff said...

But a girl using the word 'asshole' in reference to her physiology (and not someone's personality) is a conversation 14 point buck - so I think you came out ahead in the end.


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