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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Project Badass Part III: Fire a Gun

I don't know how to begin to explain the adventure I had in Utah over the past week, so I'm just going to break it down into a series of stories. I think that will work better than doing what I did with my real-life friends and telling the whole thing in one giant monologue, turning red-faced in the process and punctuating it with giant hand gestures simply because I couldn't find words that could capture the right level of excitement. Just to give some idea of how much adventure was involved, I was in Utah for 5 days, and pulled not one, but two 48-hour, sleep-is-for-suckahs marathons. It made me feel like a punk rock allstar.

I knew that the Utah trip would be awesome the minute I left the house. After working all night to get ready for the trip, I dragged my backpack o' fun to ye olde subway station at 4:30AM, passing by this sign in the process:

I'm not sure if it was the lack of sleep or the excitement about going on a trip, but I do remember thinking that anytime vegetables with novelty facial hair are directly asking me if I'm ready for adventure, that has to be a good sign.

And it was a good sign, a very good sign in fact. The minute I landed in Salt Lake City, I met up with my friend Shaun and my nephew:

and his lovely girlfriend:

You can't see it in this picture, but Jan looks a bit like Scarlett Johansson and she knows about things like eyelash curlers and volumizers that are completely foreign to me and sometimes she smells like wildflowers. If she weren't dating my nephew, I would totally want her to be my slightly older, way prettier Sweet Valley High-reading sister who will trade knowledge of how to be a girl for help on trig homework. These are the kinds of things I think about when alone.

After meeting up with our swarthy cast of characters, Shaun said, "hey, I need to make a pit stop," by which he meant, I need to go to the hospital to make sure I don't have an aneurysm. Whereas a potential aneurysm may have caused worry for some people (me, me, me, me, me), Shaun didn't seem to think it was that big a deal. The three of us dropped him off then took our sweet-ass Chevy Cobalt through Salt Lake where we stumbled upon this:

That is a gun range called Get Some located in a strip mall in the most Mormon state on Earth. Hungry for Adventure indeed. After Shaun's tests had checked out as clear, we mentioned Get Some and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Dude, let's go shoot a gun."

A brief word on my relationship with guns. I'm not a big fan, mainly because I'm scared of them due to ignorance about how they work. Also they're anticlimactic. Click, boom, dead. Boooooooor-ring. That's not nearly as cool as being lowered (with "balls-aching slowness" as one reviewer described) into a vat of molten metal or getting unexpectedly hit with a chimney. For the record, when I die, I want it to be because I was in a bitter snake fight or Patrick Swayze ripped my throat out with his bare fist. Anything but a lame-ass gun wound.

Despite, all badasses know how to use a gun. They may not own one or carry one around, but they have at least a cursory knowledge of how guns work and so in my quest to be a badass, I guess I need that too. We went into Get Some and after a brief lesson in how to safely load and fire a pistol, I worked up the nerve to ask the one question we were all wondering: What is the largest gun you will let me fire? The answer to that is an M16:

That gun is worth $17,000 which is approximately $16,000 more than my soul is worth.

Here's the thing about firing a gun, particularly a big gun - remember this scene in American Beauty:

Firing an M16 in real life feels nothing like that. For me, it was the exact opposite. Though Shaun and I unloaded 4 boxes of ammo (and he looked pretty badass while doing it):

I never fully succumbed to the charm of the automatic weapon and spent the majority of our time at Get Some making faces like this:

Nevertheless, it was an adventure! and when I left the shooting range to find this man casually perusing the big-ass weapons section with his puppy:

I smiled in spite of myself. It was a good day to be a badass.



At 8:36 PM, Blogger d said...

i'm so jealous. i now hate my friends for not taking me to a shooting range in wisconsin.

to monday!

At 9:05 PM, Anonymous Jeff said...

I find it slightly disturbing that an M16 actually has a price which presumably means that you can buy one and, like, take it home or to the mall...

At 9:39 AM, Anonymous F said...

that is an awesome start to a trip. but i find it disturbing that as yet, there has been no mention of bacon...

At 7:28 PM, Blogger ~Angela~ said...

Stumbled here from d's blog.

Your shooting range excursion = bad ass.

By the way, I am a BWE frequenter as well. Love it. I post there as Aiea.

At 8:35 PM, Blogger So@24 said...

I guess the question on everyone's mind is still...

well, did you get some?

At 10:49 AM, Blogger Reverse_Vampyr said...

Definitely badass. I'm jealous! I haven't been to a firing range in years, a sad fact that needs changing. Thanks for the inspiration!

At 4:51 PM, Blogger Tyson said...

I don't know where you got the price of 17,000 for an M16?? If thats what they told you then they need to start doing some comp shopping....as for the full auto deal you should have stepped up and fired the MP5SD now thats a fun weapon. Not only is it suppressed and only a 9mm that look on your face would have been replaced with a smile and a need to fire more!!
-Helo 11
"Who dares....Wins"


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