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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Oh Hai

Hey Internet:

We haven't talked for a very long time. So long in fact, that I kind of have that inevitable awkward feeling one has when you run into someone you haven't seen for a good ten years and conversation has to start out with something like "So...what have you been up to in the last...I don't know...decade or so?" I've thought about calling you or sending you a flirty text message about 8 million times in the past 5 weeks, but these days I'm getting easily distracted and frankly, other things had to take a higher priority. I do want you to know that I had a very good reason, several good reasons in fact, the top one being that my grandmother passed away and the experience of watching her slowly disintegrate and then eventually just stop existing made me feel like I had been flipped inside out and God himself was prodding my innards with hot pokers. I don't really know what to say about it - mainly because I'm not sure I even have the vernacular to accurately describe it. You know those nature documentaries that show icebergs falling apart in massive, perfectly dusty frozen chunks? It felt like that. It felt exactly like that.

2007 was a Band-Aid year for me and I think for my family too to a lesser extent. We buried the remaining members of an entire generation of our family. We buried major relationships, lifelong fears, shitty friends, shittier apartments, towns and jobs and lovers and projects that simply couldn't offer what we needed anymore. In fact the whole year was a Whitman's sampler of experiences - some the best of my life, some really, really OH MY GOD I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING SAWED IN HALF painful - that simply needed doing in order to become the kind of kickass lady worthy to succeed other kickass ladies like my grandmother.

After it was all over, after presents were opened and ornaments were removed and a woman I love was sealed in a box the color of storm clouds, my whole body just shut down and demanded a full week to rebuild itself from the inside out. And while missing a karaoke and champagne-themed party to nurse a fever of 1-0-fuckin-2 on New Year's Eve seemed like a final middle finger from 2007 at the time, in retrospect, welcoming in 2008: The Year of Adventure by watching movies with the two people who love me most in this world while my own flesh burns the remaining toxins from the previous year out cell by cell seems like a very, very good sign. When I got back to Chicago this past Tuesday, I had a batch of Christmas cards waiting on my desk. My favorite featured red foil peppermint spirals on a white glitter snow background: "Here's to a new year filled with ridiculous stories, tawdry hook-ups, ambiguously gay friends, and lots of herbal tea." Here's to that and to oh so very much more.

I hope your 2008 is and continues to be nothing short of magnificent.

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