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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Ghost Rider Is Not A Good Movie For You Or Anyone Else You Know

Last night I saw Ghost Rider because...well...look at the movie poster:

It features the worst actor on earth with half of his head on fire. The feeling that I get from seeing that poster is the same thing I would imagine angel tears falling on your face would feel like. That is simply spectacular. What isn't so spectacular is the actual film. Ghost Rider suffers from whatever you call it when the sum of something is far, far, far less than it's parts.

You would think that Terrible Actor + Motorcycle + All the Fury of Hell + The Undead + Eternal Curse + Sam Elliott + Copious Amounts of Fire + Flaming Chain Whip + That Guy That Was All Deep and Broody in American Beauty + Eva Mendes' boobs would = The Greatest Night of Your Movie-Watching Life, but it doesn't. Instead it gave me the same feeling I once got in high school when I had a pseudo-crush on this boy for probably two years and then after I went to college, I was suddenly cool enough to hang out with him, so we went to see a movie once and I realized that despite his lip piercing, he was the most boring soul on this poor planet. Oh...this isn't what I thought it would be at all. Ghost Rider has that same disappointment-bordering-on-pity aftertaste mainly because the film breaks several cardinal rules of awesomely awful film-making. Those being:

#1) The film either has to take itself completely seriously (see: Drumline, An American Werewolf in Texas, Slugs, Boa vs. Python) or not seriously at all (see: Army of Darkness, Snakes on a Plane). Anything in between (see: Ghost Rider) just comes across as awkward.

#2) Pack your film full of ridiculous one-liners. Viewers NEEEEEEEEEED righteously awful dialogue to get them through. It's our brain meat. We need to hear dialogue like the following:

Yelena: Do you know what a wire transfer is?
Xander Cage: Is she for real. Sweetheart is there anything else you need to do, let us big boys have a conversation.
Yelena: Conversation. A word with four syllables. Do you want some ice before your brain overheats.
Xander Cage: Ice. Yeah, you could chisel some off your heart, if you could find it.

Genius. I need to be inspired to turn to the person next to me and say "AWWWWWW SHIT!!!!!!!" at least five times before the end credits roll. Ghost Rider had ample opportunity to do this, what with the film being based on a part-man, part-demon who rides a firecycle through town, but didn't deliver. I did; however, appreciate the line, "Lucky don't cover it. I've got a dog named Lucky - he's got one eye and no nuts. You got an angel looking after you." I'm making it my mission to seamlessly squeeze that into conversation.

#3) A washed up actor would be nice. Someone who used to be on the A-list who now aspires to do VH1 reality shows does wonders. Throw Tootie from The Facts of Life or that guy from Empty Nest in and you're setting yourself up to take home awesomely awful gold.

I also really wanted to see more things on fire. Ideally, there would have been a scene where Ghost Rider walks in slow motion away from an entire town he has just set ablaze while some wicked metal song about bargaining with the devil plays in the background, but none of that is to be had. Instead, you get a PG-13 movie that stops way short of taking the concept of a hog-riding vigilante from hell to it's full awesomely awful potential. Director Mark Steven Johnson, when you are ready to make big boy movies, I will be happy to see them intoxicated and whisper/say at full volume inappropriate things to whoever is sitting next to me. I'm waiting...



At 11:06 PM, Anonymous Chris (not you) said...

You nailed it! (that's what she said)

At 11:49 AM, Anonymous frank said...

not a movie, but in the same arena so you might enjoy it, is a German band called Blind Guardian. they are a heavy metal JRR Tolkein tribute band. so very, very bad....

At 2:23 PM, Anonymous kerrianne said...

Worst Nicolas Cage movier, in the history of bad Nicolas Cage movies: The Wickerman. I almost cried it was so bad.

Actual direct quote from the movie: "No, not the bees. NOT THE BEES." And then, a few minutes later: "Oh! My eyes; MY EYES."

Le sigh.

At 11:56 AM, Blogger Richard Delicious said...

I made the mistake of renting this on time, because I love comics and I was out of town, and I knew my wife would never agree to watching it. What a mistake.

I knew from the very first scene that I was in for approximately 2 hours of pain. For those that don't recall, the movie opens with a father/son duo of motorcycle stuntmen performing for a mildy amused audience. At the end, the son pops a wheelie on his bike and almost loses control. The father then admonishes his son for being a showboat and acting reckless.... in a motorcycle stunt show which including driving through rings of fire.

Fortunately, my DVD player program on my laptop can play things at 2X speed without making the voices all high pitched, so I watched the entire movie in half the time. Less even, when you factor in the amount of time that I spent scene skipping through any scene without boobs, fire, or Nicholas Cage on fire.


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