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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Friday, July 13, 2007

The Great American Mustache Experiment

There are few things we here at Post-GradNothing Headquarters find more majestic than a full-fledged mustache. All 240 of us (220 if you count the midgets as half-people) who work round the clock to bring you untimely, oftentimes completely incoherent updates agree that the stache is the limosine of the face. Nothing says I AM A VOLCANIC ERUPTION OF MANLINESS more than covering your upper lip with a thick canopy of hair. I mean, just look at the difference:

Burly Walrus of a Man:

Took His Sister to Prom, Pees Sitting Down:

In fact, right this second, I can't think of ANYTHING more majestic than a mustache except for maybe a bald eagle with a mustache. Since they're so elusive in nature, I went ahead and photoshopped one just to show you what that level of majesty would look like*. I also threw Cobra Commander in there too to show you that a mustachioed eagle is even more powerful than G.I. Joe's most cunning nemesis:


To celebrate the mustache and all that it's done for this fine, fine country, I'd like to invite you to participate in a social experiment. I'm looking for at least one volunteer to grow the finest stache they can muster [beards excluded], wear it around for a few days, then allow me to ask some fairly ridiculous questions about how it has impacted their lives and post the results along with photos. Participants who...um, participate will be laureled with online praise as well as a fun pak (tm) of thank you prizes which may or may not include a tiny plastic hot dog** from this store.*** Plus, I mean, you'll have a full-grown mustache which, as we all know, is its own reward (Am I right ladies?). If anyone is interested, drop a comment or e-mail me at postgradnothing@gmail.com. Grow it for glory.

* Did funny images exist before Photoshop? I don't think so.

** I'm really dying to send someone a ridiculously tiny plastic hot dog in the mail. Don't let me down internet.

*** I chose Uncle Fun's because it's like the greatest yard sale you've never been to AND the logo features a pretty great touchy uncle stashe.



At 8:34 AM, Blogger Justin said...

For any of those who haven't had the mustache experience, I will tell you that, from the 2 days I had with an exceptionally awesome (if I do say so myself) porn-style mustache+chops, it's kind of a spectacular ride. My girlfriend-at-the-time couldn't stand to look at me, but there were other girls who went nuts.

I know this because one girl who had never looked at me twice before noticed it, gazed lovingly at it, stepped close to me, and told me that, just because I'd already ordered, it didn't mean I couldn't still look at the menu.

At 12:23 PM, Blogger christa t said...


At 2:37 PM, Blogger Justin said...

Oh my goodness. Photographic evidence has been unearthed that I am not making up my mustache! A friend did indeed take a picture!


At 4:25 PM, Anonymous pinkleahtard said...

I'm assuming this is being limited to men?

At 5:13 PM, Blogger Chris said...

I'd open it to women, but seriously, I can grow a better stache than any of you ladies out there and I wouldn't want to make anyone feel bad/visibly uncomfortable with my Tom Selleck-like stache. Thank god for modern hair removal products.

At 3:52 AM, Anonymous Jeff said...

I grew tache once for 10 days - it was a glorious peach-fuzz'd handlebar. I naturally received torrents of abuse throughout - but what made me shave in the end was being told that I looked 'peculiar'.

I can take a lot, but I challenge anyone to continue in something which makes them 'peculiar'.

At 6:15 PM, Blogger panajane said...

What on Earth made Mr. Trebeck think that it was a possibly good move to shave off the 'stache? Bad, bad move, DO NOT WANT.

Also, lay off on the Mystic Tan, you're from CANADA.


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