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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Sweet Retribution

I knew before I even clicked 'publish' that the last post was going to come back to bite me. I knew it from the bottom of my robot heart, but I did it anyway because I apparently have no regard for the laws of karma. Not 24 hours after ragging on someone for being drunk and socially inept, I was in a Starbucks of all places, commemorating the death of Gerald Ford the right way by imbibing green tea and reading back issues of Wired (nerd alert!). A ridiculously good looking kid walked in (hellllooooooo glasses, helllooooooooo facial scruff, hellloooooooo t-shirt of pseudo-obscure band I love, melt my heart into 1,000 pathetic pieces), ordered coffee, and took a seat near a group of other kids, but facing away from them as if he wasn't with them. He sat down, pulled out a Sarah Vowell book, and when I realized that he was reading someone who I have, like, the most enormous girl crush ever on, I let out a slight giggle, causing him to accidentally make eye contact with me. I'm not the kind of person who's entirely comfortable with looking severe hotties directly in the eye (it's like looking at the sun), so I immediately turned bright red, sunk down in my chair, and buried my nose in the book I was reading. At that point, one of the kids sitting behind him leaned over and said, "dude, that girl over there totally just eye fucked the shit out of you."

You should probably read that phrase slowly and out loud to get the full effect: "Eye fucked the shit out of you." I don't think I've ever heard anything so crude in my life. What exactly is the proper protocol when being accused of 'eye fucking?' I didn't feel like it was appropriate to go over and explain that no, no, it wasn't intended as a full-on 'eye fucking' (just typing that phrase gives me shudders), but rather a friendly eye-cuddle, eye-spooning at best, but certainly nothing as tawdry as eye intercourse. I just turned a deeper shade of red and sank further into my seat. The kid kept going "Check it out, the girl in green, she's all embarrassed and shit." And I was 'all embarrassed and shit,' so I closed my book, grabbed my tea, and on my beeline to the door, almost ran into the green-jacketed girl sitting behind me, the one blushing so hard her face was nearly purple. It wasn't until I got outside that I realized, I'm wearing gray and he was talking about the eye fucker behind me.


At 9:36 PM, Blogger superdeens said...

That phrase is from the movie Wedding Crashers.


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