Awkward Things I Say to Girls
I hate making friends. Hate it. Hate it with every cell in my sensually toned yet surprisingly supple body (I'm pretty sure I read that phrase once while flipping through this book that I found on a shelf in this girl's house). I hate making friends because the process of meeting someone and awkwardly trying to gauge their awesome-itude level is kind of like dating, but without the possibility of a good old fashioned PG-rated makeout session at the end. Unless you happen to have badass coworkers, connecting with new people as an adult is tricky, making the times when lightening does strike feel like this:
only, you know, way less creepy.
Last week I was at a used book store...not just any used book store mind you...THE used book store in Richmond, perusing the shelves when out of nowhere a girl struck up a conversation with me about a Kurt Loder book I had in my hand. We talked about music journalism and how Chuck Klosterman would so kick Kurt Loder's (and everyone else's) ass in a write-off. She kept making all of these relatively obscure book and movie references and every time she did, I'd make one back and I could tell that we were both giving each other the mental thumbs up, which looks something like this:
I have no idea why I look like I'm about to suckle the camera in this picture.
While waiting in line to pay for our respective books, my new bookstore BFF asked for my card, which is basically the grown-up equivalent of making someone a friendship bracelet at camp. Everything was awesome until we started to talk about things we hate (which included people who say 'beep beep' when they pass you on the sidewalk, real estate agent hair, rogue polyps, and Matthew McConaughey). All of a sudden, out of nowhere, she says with a completely straight face, "What I really hate sarcasm. I don't understand it and I think that people hide behind it."
I really had no idea what to say. Sarcasm is truly my preferred method of communication. Telling someone as asinine as myself that you hate sarcasm is like telling a quadriplegic that you have an aversion to stumpy things. I've never even heard of someone genuinely disliking sarcasm, much less admitting to that in a public place. I honestly didn't think that people like that existed. Semi-flabbergasted, I had no idea what to say in response so I said the very first thing that came to mind.
"Are you a unicorn?"
Dead silence ensued and we walked out as if we had never met.