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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Dear Internet:

Here's my New Years wish - that each and every one of you will do something hedonistic and embarrassing tonight, then call me when drunk to tell me about it. Wherever you are, rock the new year harder than a Whitesnake reunion show.

Your pal,


Friday, December 29, 2006

"I Wouldn't Wish That On A Broke-Dick Dog" And Other Phrases I Picked Up From the Movie Predator

While "A team of commandos, on a mission in a Central American jungle, find themselves hunted by an extra-terrestrial warrior" may sound awesome and may even look awesome in print considering all of the extraneous commas, Predator is not a good film. It's not even a film that's so bad it's good. It's just a bad, bad film, despite the fact that someone actually uses the phrase "god damned sexual Tyrannosaurus" AND there's a totally sweet scene where Carl Weathers is shooting an alien, gets his own arm shot off, and the dismembered arm continues firing the gun even as it is blown clean from Weathers' body. That's the appendage equivalent of the band playing on as the Titanic sinks.

The good part about the Predator experience was that beforehand I ate some delicious Pho (which apparently is pronounced fa...since when? Also, why is there no restaurant in Richmond called So Pho-King Good? Guys, don't make me do all the hard work here) with a friend who says awkward things to girls and who painted this:

I love that this tiny teapot has been dude-ed up by the manly football on the side and the strategic plays painted on the back:

I'm pretty sure that owning the most testosteroney teapot on the planet is the first step to becoming a god damn sexual Tyrannosaurus.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

I Thought Christmas Only Comes Once A Year*

* One slice of Awesome Pie to anyone who gets that ridiculous reference.

I just received a text message that says the following:

"You + Me + Tomorrow + Predator + Dinner + Presents = Hearts"

I don't know if I'm more charmed by the fact that someone wants to combine my love of eating, gift-giving/receiving, and alien-themed cinematic masterpieces into one, fun-filled evening or the fact that they wrote it in equation form. Oh nerd boys, where would I be without you?

Monday, December 25, 2006

There's No Place Like Home For the Holidays

For me, the holidays are bittersweet. Bitter in that my family is dysfunctional...I mean really dysfunctional...dysfunctional to the point that we have an overwhelming number of stories that end in "and that was the first time that such and such went to jail" or "and that's why your father no longer drinks tequila." My family's often self-induced problems run the gamut from your textbook anger/depression/marital issues to bizarre, wtf? problems like we can't all have Christmas together because three years ago grown-up X threw a coat on grown-up Y's dog and now they're not speaking. Factor in a couple of divorces, some step and half siblings, and the other sides of their respective families and you've got a holiday season that will either warm you to the core or "burn your ass up" as my grandmother once said. One or the other, there's nothing in between.

The sweet part of my family is that for all the awkwardness we create, we find an equal amount of humor lying just underneath. For one day, my family makes an effort to sit around together and tell stories about all of the fucked up things we've seen and done and from the bottom of us, we laugh at how years ago I got so angry that I actually rammed my car into my step father's car (on purpose) and how this year, my sister's redneck brother-in-law shot a deer and brought a giant marinaded plastic bag of its remains to show off at the Christmas dinner table.

The best part for me is the gift giving. At a normal Couch family Christmas, your gifts may be "from" ex lovers, ex husbands, disgruntled elementary school teachers, deceased pets, people your ex spouse later went on to marry, any of their children, convicted felons, kids who beat you up years ago, or relatives the gift-giver made up entirely. You won't actually know who the gift is truly from until you open it and listen to whoever laughs out loud at their own clever pseudonym. Among other things, my mother received a day planner from two pretentious neighbors she refers to as "the Bloodsuckers," a coffee maker from the guy she married two husbands ago, and I received a book of skulls-on-fire themed temporary tattoos from a boy who dumped me in the 12th grade for being "too fat to go out with."

This is my favorite part of Christmas specifically because it's a time, perhaps the only time, of year when my family openly laughs at things and situations that used to cause us stress. It feels cathartic to sit with a glass of wine and hash out all of the amazingly awkward experiences you've had over the past year or to open a gift "from" someone you used to despise and feel nothing but gratitude and joy for being beyond the situation enough that looking back makes you simultaneously smile and roll your eyes. For us, Christmas is an acknoweldgement that even if things aren't ok now, not to worry. There were much worse times in the past and somehow, we all made it through the complications enough to endure one more year together...as one big angry, depressed, medication-dependent, anxiety-riddled, shit-slinging, therapy-seeking, delightfully dysfunctional family.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

4 Things That Have Surprised Me Recently...And Other Excuses to Put Up Good Links

1. How many people find this site by Googling "Gymnastic crotch."

2. This story. No commentary necessary.

3. How consistently funny Amy Blair is. If having a girl crush on someone you don't know is wrong, I don't want to be right.

4. The fact that I could get past Justin Timberlake's irritatingly linear eyebrows to laugh out loud to this.

Sidenote: Seriously, look at the eyebrows and tell me they wouldn't be the most useful thing in the world when hanging pictures in your house. Additionally, what possible context could this absolutely-not-doctored-at-all picture have? Who comes up with this crap? Google image search, if you were a boy, I'd marry you tomorrow.

More to come later kids, I'm swamped with work and just generally lame on top of that.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

My Kind of Bro

As of Saturday, I hadn't done anything head-turningly awkward in, I don't know, three maybe four days. That's basically a record for me. In my head, I was totally doing the "I'm cool enough to hang with the rest of the human race" dance, which looks a lot like Make Love To the Crowd, only with more hip action. Ok, fine, a lot more hip action.

On Saturday, I met Shaun and his lovely girlfriend (both featured here mid T-Rex impersonation) at a friend's party where I found myself talking to some dude who kept reaching over my head to ask his 'bro' behind me if he saw 'that fuckin play man' which apparently was happening on the television a few feet away. The conversation was short and mainly punctuated by the guy saying 'yeah, I always wanted...' in response to whatever I was talking about in between 'fuckin sa-weet' plays made by whatever sports team was on TV. Examples include "You live downtown? yeah, I always wanted to live downtown" and "You work from home? yeah, I've always wanted to work from home" and so on. When he asked about what I do for fun, I came very close to saying 'menstruating' just to see if that too would garner a 'yeah, I always wanted to...' response. I didn't do that though, because I'm no fun at all. Instead, I just started thinking about all of the things I've always wanted to do and how if I don't start doing them soon I'll never actually do them. I kind of got lost in my head enumerating trips I've yet to take and books I've yet to read, when conversation switched around to travel and the guy said to me, "yeah, I've always wanted to see France," I piped up immediately with "I've always wanted to see an inmate rodeo." If you ever want to stop a conversation dead in its tracks, throw out the words inmate rodeo. They're like the A-bomb of open dialogue.

Knowing conversation was basically dead, I made my way across the room to my safe zone of Shaun and his lovely girlfriend. I sat down on the couch, mentally exasperated with myself, and before I could even relay what had just happened, Shaun looked at me and said, "I toured a school bus factory once. It was awesome." I laughed to myself and thought, This is my kind of bro.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Married to the Sea

This made me laugh to the point that my stomach hurt:

Other choice ones can be found here, here, and here. Married to the Sea is my new favorite site. Enjoy yourselves kiddies.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Go and wish Leah a very Happy Birthday or walk the plank.