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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Warning: Contains the Word 'Butthole' and an Accompanying Story

Halloween is one of, if not The, best holidays ever. There's no gift-giving, no religious connotation, no bizarre rules about what may or may not be done in school, no scurrying to fix up your house for relatives who don't really know you all that well, no stress over what to cook for dinner, and for me, it's the only holiday where I don't have to worry about how my family will start shit with each other. Halloween is the only time of year when it's perfectly ok to be weird and creepy and maybe even a little awkward, three things I do extremely well. The best place to be on Halloween, hands down, is New York City. This is a city built on a bedrock of freaks and Halloween is their time to step into the light.

Last Halloween was hard to top, so this Halloween I headed to The Big Apple to visit Leah, the only other person I know that appreciates the freaks as much as I do. For me, the highlight of Halloween which was dressing up like Batgirl, meeting 10 or so pun-savvy people, two of whom are featured here (photo stolen from here):

You can't really tell from the picture, but these kids were dressed as A Salt and Battery...genius?

and heading to a party where the DJ was not afraid to let the people know that "we love the bitches." You, DJ man, are a gentleman and a scholar. The definite low point of the evening was when a girl (ironically dressed as a naughty nurse) got pushed into me and accidentally shoved her knee into my ass...and not the cheeks if you know what I mean. I don't know if you've ever had a knee shoved into your butthole, but if you have, I don't have to tell you that it hurts. I mean it really really hurts, like pain will shoot from your rear end to your skull and you'll be sore for a couple of days, not minutes. The worst part of having an unwelcomed backdoor guest is that it's not really an injury you can admit to people or complain about to your friends, you just have to sit to one side all the time and pretend like you're hung over and not sore to the point of tears. Just thinking about it gives me the post-knee-in-butthole (P.K.I.B.) shivers. The worst kind of shivers!

Other things that gave me the shivers (but thankfully not of the P.K.I.B. variety) on Halloween included a ridiculously mean bartender (who apparently is bartender of the month because she's "so happy all the time." Maybe by 'happy' they mean "bloated, venomous, and permascowled" because seriously she was Viola Swamp-level mean) and a sweaty drunk guy in lederhosen who was perpetually looking for the drunkest girl in the room to make out with. This guy was aiming for women that couldn't walk on their own, remember their own name, or keep the contents of their stomach to themselves...awesome. Mother warned me about boys like this.

By and large, the scariest thing I saw on Halloween, the only thing that frightened me more than the naughty nurse and her unorthodox way of pushing through a crowd, was this:


but I'm saving that story for tomorrow. For tonight I have a mountain of work to do to make up for living the rock star life this weekend. Hope your Halloween was as spooktacular as mine.

6 Comments:

At 9:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://plif.andkon.com/archive/wc217.gif

i <3 comics.

glad your halloween was super (sorry about your intro to gaydom)

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger Leahtard said...

Man, I was really proud of getting hit on by Lederhosen boy while wearing sweats. Don't take that away from me, man!

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger Leahtard said...

Also, please note my scary eye peering out from between Molly and Adam.

That will keep you up at night.

 
At 1:09 PM, Blogger Chris said...

Leah: I don't think it was your lederhosen guy, I think it was one of his cronies. Kyle can attest to the scarily drunken state this man was in.

 
At 8:39 PM, Anonymous Battery said...

OMG I'm on your blog!

 
At 10:43 PM, Blogger Chris said...

and looking handsome I might add.

 

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