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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Monday, November 20, 2006

Do You Love Parentheses? Have I Got A Post For You.

Last night I went to a coffee shop (like all the cool kids with red-hot Saturday night plans) and just as I sat down with my tragically hip laptop (the weapon of choice for all the cool kids with red-hot Saturday night plans), I noticed a somewhat cute boy sitting at a computer a few feet away. Trying to play it all cool, I bought a cup of tea, sat down at the largest and most important-looking table I could find (the Champagne Room of this coffee house), flipped open my laptop, and just as I was about to pretend to be preoccupied with VERY important work that could probably ruin nations, I went to cross my legs and actually kicked an entire cup of hot tea over. Dropping something is one thing. If executed correctly, it can even be played off as charmingly clutzy, but to kick something over...like with your leg...as in the way Chuck Norris handles most matters...especially while trying to execute a feminine leg-cross...is inexcusably embarassing. You may as well wear a helmet around along with a sign that says "FINE MOTOR SKILLS NEVER FULLY DEVELOPED...APPROACH WITH CAUTION."

Red-faced and covered in tea (the sexiest way one can be), I scrambled to sop tea from my face, sweater, trendier-than-thou scarf, couch, table, floor, laptop, and finally from the random anatomy books sitting on the end of my table. Wanting to fess up to whoever owned the anatomy books that they had been soaked as a result of an overzealous leg cross, I went to the cashier and started apologizing to her. She informed me that the books were not hers, but in fact belonged to the cute kid at the computer and I felt my face go from red to marroon to that sickly color of bruised purple that pre-zombies get just before they become full-fledged zombies. Exhibited here:

I took the soaking books up to the guy and I didn't really know what to say, so I just sputtered, "Hi, I was sitting at that table back there and I accidentally spilled my tea and unfortunately your books were kind of collateral damage. I tried to dry them as best I could, but if you want me to buy you new anatomy books or...ummm...[ridiculously long pause here]...a cup of coffee! [to be said in a voice that would indicate that you just invented coffee two minutes prior]...or...[long pause]...a pony! or whatever else would make this situation better, I would be happy to do so."

And then there was silence. A really really long silence, in fact, before the guy finally said, "I don't want a pony. I want you to give me my anatomy books," at which point I realized that I was actually gripping the wet books as if trying to squeeze the information from the pages into my fists. I gave him the books back and started to say "Is there anything I can..." before being cut off by a resounding "NO!" I started to back away, but not before finishing off this ridiculously smooth encounter by saying "Um...ok...well...if you think of anything, I'll be in the back" and then pointing to the back of room as if he had no idea what the word "back" meant and completing the encounter with the piece de la resistance - double finger guns - demonstrated in one-handed, thumb-retracted form by Jesus Christ here:

Sidenote: The picture below was also found while searching "Jesus, Finger Guns"...don't say I never gave you anything:

In retrospect, it didn't even make sense to tell the guy that I would be in the back since immediately after giving the finger guns (see above), I packed up my things at lightening speed and left. What's the word for that feeling you get when you find a picture of a bearded man doing a split on the wall of what looks like a motel where you might find a dead hooker and you KNOW, from the bottom of your heart, that this guy, in all of his flexible, Jesus-resembling glory, is definitely less awkward you? Oh yeah, pathetic.


At 3:11 AM, Blogger Kevin said...

Colour me impressed.

At 9:47 AM, Blogger i heart dorks said...

That guy sounds like a real asshole. As pissed as he might have been he had a responsibility as a humanbeing to try to make you feel less bad - even if you did point your finger guns at him.

At 1:23 PM, Anonymous Smoove D said...

Hilarious! I'm sorry you had to go through all that, but it made an excellent story. At least you found out the guy was a jerk before wasting any time with him.

At 11:54 PM, Anonymous Jon D said...

hahaha.... well done :)

At 1:23 PM, Blogger Valeree Lynn said...

Wooooo. Funniest thing I've read ever I think. Wow.

At 3:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

At least the finger guns are slightly ironic and therefore funny (to people who have SOULS), whereas my double thumbs-up is just a little too Danny Tannerish to work.

And yet, I can't...stop...doing...it.

At 11:27 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OUCH!! Painful to read. He could have been more understanding!


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