.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

When I Die, I Want an Obituary Like This

Originally printed here:

"Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other's courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006. True to Fred's personal style, his final hours were spent joking with medical personnel while he whimpered, cussed, begged for narcotics and bargained with God to look over his wife and kids. He loved his family. His heart beat faster when his wife of 37 years Alice Rennie Clark entered the room and saddened a little when she left. His legacy was the good works performed by his sons, Frederic Arthur Clark III and Andrew Douglas Clark MD, PhD., along with Andy's wife, Sara Morgan Clark. Fred's back straightened and chest puffed out when he heard the Star Spangled Banner and his eyes teared when he heard Amazing Grace. He wouldn't abide self important tight *censored*. Always an interested observer of politics, particularly what the process does to its participants, he was amused by politician's outrage when we lie to them and amazed at what the voters would tolerate. His final wishes were "throw the bums out and don't elect lawyers" (though it seems to make little difference). During his life he excelled at mediocrity. He loved to hear and tell jokes, especially short ones due to his limited attention span. He had a life long love affair with bacon, butter, cigars and bourbon. You always knew what Fred was thinking much to the dismay of his friend and family. His sons said of Fred, "he was often wrong, but never in doubt". When his family was asked what they remembered about Fred, they fondly recalled how Fred never peed in the shower - on purpose. He died at MCV Hospital and sadly was deprived of his final wish which was to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a double date to include his wife, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter to crash an ACLU cocktail party. In lieu of flowers, Fred asks that you make a sizable purchase at your local ABC store or Virginia winery (please, nothing French - the *censored*) and get rip roaring drunk at home with someone you love or hope to make love to. Word of caution though, don't go out in public to drink because of the alcohol related laws our elected officials have passed due to their inexplicable terror at the sight of a MADD lobbyist and overwhelming compulsion to meddle in our lives. No funeral or service is planned. However, a party will be held to celebrate Fred's life. It will be held in Midlothian, Va. Email fredsmemory@yahoo.com for more information. Fred's ashes will be fired from his favorite cannon at a private party on the Great Wicomico River where he had a home for 25 years. Additionally, all of Fred's friend (sic) will be asked to gather in a phone booth, to be designated in the future, to have a drink and wonder, 'Fred who?'"

I've been to a lot of parties in a lot of cities in many different parts of the world, but I cannot fathom that any of them can compare to this one. Thanks to Shaun for being cool enough to read the obits and send me punk rock ones.


At 3:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Trash Palace Presents
Three Dev Adam aka Three Mighty Men ("3 Mighty Men" aka "Santo and Captain America vs. Spiderman",
(1973) Directed by T. Fikret Ucak
For the first time ever catch this ultra-rare Turkish (!!!) Santo movie in Turkish language with English subtitles! Santo fights kung-fu style and takes on a well-known super hero! But this one is NOT for the kiddies! From the Onar Films website:
Turkey is being terrorized by a ruthless gang of criminals lead by a psychotic guy with a green uniform and a pair of hellish eyebrows sticking out of his mask eye holes. The local authorites are forced to resort to some super assistants. One of them is the national superhero of Mexico, Santo. The other one is the national superhero of the USA, Captain America. Their countries too, have been encountering major trouble with the green psycho's illegal activities, namely ancient artifacts smuggling and fake cash circulation. In fact, the economy of the whole planet is about to collapse! Upon their arrival in Istanbul though they soon realise that their opponent is more ruthless and evasive than they had imagined. This maniac stops at nothing. He murders and robs ladies. He tortures people. And just when you think you have killed him another one pops up. Is he a virus? Does he have endless despensable clones to die in his place? And above all, what's his name? Oh, yes..it is.. SPIDER MAN! ~Onar Films

At 4:34 PM, Blogger Chris said...

Oh Anonymous, you are so good to me.


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home