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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Dear Internet:

Thank you for your warm wishes and your kind e-mails. As it turns out, all of the good vibes may have actually done some good since A) I don't have cancer and B) they discovered this fact during an ultrasound without even giving me a proper mammogram. In place of cancer, I have what the lab technician described as "incredibly dense breasts" which I guess means that they're less like real boobs and more like touching two tiny bags of sand...sexy sand...the kind of sand that's so sexy that it has a tendency to lump up as if it's cancer, but SURPRISE! It's not cancer! It's normal, every day lumps that result from having the same kind of premium breast tissue they use to make diamonds! The next time you're tempted to write me an e-mail that says something wickedly clever like "Dear Chris: My friend thinx UR hottttttt$^&*#*!" (and you know who are you are 15 year old predominantly Canadian boys who occassionally write me those kinds of e-mails), instead of asking me to send you a picture, you can just caress two ziploc (tm) bags filled with flour and rocks and it'll be just like we're hooking up in real life.

But enough about my sand-filled, thankfully cancerfree boobs internet, how are YOUR body parts functioning? I hope everything is operating smooth as butta. Thank you once again for your warm wishes, sweet e-mails, and general concern.

May you be filled with density rather than disease (I don't even think that last line made sense),

Chris

14 Comments:

At 10:51 AM, Blogger muse said...

Premium boobies, huh? Wow, that's great news! :)

That boyfriend of yours had better realize his good fortune! hehe

Seriously, I'm _so_ happy to read that you're ok! Yay!!

 
At 10:51 AM, Blogger AJ said...

Hooray for dense breasts! Glad to hear/read/know that all is well.

 
At 11:00 AM, Anonymous kerri said...

Great! news. Glad to hear it. :)

 
At 11:05 AM, Blogger Chris said...

Aww, thanks kids.

 
At 11:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you win, I was told my lump was caused by a backup of dead sperm in my vas deferens... I'm gonna go ahead and leave this one anonymous...

 
At 4:17 PM, Anonymous MaxPower said...

I'm glad you are AOK.

 
At 6:38 PM, Blogger Valeree Lynn said...

So glad to hear that everything is fine! As a fellow possessor of dense breasts, I know that it can be scary when you find something strange. You were very brave to go and get it checked out. I hope you got yourself a slurpee afterwards.

 
At 7:05 PM, Blogger Analyst Catalyst said...

I am very happy that you are all right.

 
At 8:55 AM, Anonymous jag said...

Glad everything turned out ok.

Dense boobs...

snort...

 
At 10:48 AM, Anonymous Molly's Boyfriend said...

This blog says the word "boob" and "boobs" and "boobies" a lot.

Boobs. Boobies.

(I'm glad you're fine, and I had a great time being your date for Macbreats. I mean Macboob. I mean Boobbeth. I mean...)

 
At 12:14 PM, Blogger Leahtard said...

You're my density.

I mean, my destiny.

 
At 3:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you have boobs?

--your newphew--

 
At 7:57 PM, Blogger deanna said...

Fantastic news! Very, very happy....

 
At 5:11 PM, Blogger Michael said...

That's great!

Now me and the boys from Canada want to know when we get to see 'em!?

 

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