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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Monday, May 08, 2006

Gymnastic? More Like Gymtastic...This Headline Makes No Sense At All

On the rare occassions when I come out of my protective coating of cheap and actually go to what my step father refers to as "the picture house," I like to see something that's either really good a la Ray, Hotel Rwanda, American Beauty or something that's really awful, like Stick It. Stick It is awesome simply because it strictly follows the only cardinal rule of awful movie-making: come up with a bunch of one-liners and develop a plot around that. Seriously, this movie is literally built off of having a really hot (like white hot) actress who gets to say a lot of gymnastics-themed one-liners. Classics include, but are not limited to "it's not called gym-nice-stics," "I'm not leotarded," and "I have a constitutional right to bare arms." Here's the breakdown:

* Super hot chick who has friends way more unattractive than her: +2
* OH GOD THE GYMNASTICS-THEMED ONE LINERS: +10 (billion)
* Presence of real actor who is clearly desperate for work (no, thank YOU Jeff Bridges): +4
* Asian-American girl whose character's name is Wei-Wei...honestly, could you get more stereotypical? You may as well have called her Ching-Chong or Fortune Cookie: +2
* Inappropriate number of leotard-clad crotch shots of supposedly teenage girls: +5
* Weird synchronized gymnastics scene filmed from the air, looks very screen-saver like: +3
* Breakdancing balance beam routine performed to Come Baby Come: +4
* The fact that becoming a competitive gymnast is the lead character's legal punishment for vandalism: +3
* Main character who is clearly at least 25 playing a 17 year old: +1
* The fact that you know somewhere, some pre-teen girl is watching this film and looking deep within, thinking to herself, "yeah, life really is like that.": +2
* A plethora of muscley, lumberjack legs: +1
* A scene which adds nothing to the plot, but leaves the audience thinking, "man, gymnasts really don't know how to behave in a public mall:" +1

While critics may call it "an abortion of cinema," I call it "a montage-filled Friday night when all I thought about was how much rum I didn't drink before the movie." Pass the popcorn.

6 Comments:

At 7:33 AM, Anonymous Leah said...

Use this piece of information however you'd like.

When I was a kid, I thought the leotard was named after me. I called it "my tard."

 
At 1:29 PM, Blogger Chris said...

whoa [to be read in Joey from Blossom voice]

 
At 4:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chris, for once i agree with your taste in film. I would have seen this movie with you, rum or no.

not to be overly cliche, but your formula for a B[ad] Movie is not unsimilar to real life, and Dr. Flage could probably construct a syllogism to equate the one with the other.

go down your list -
yup
in their niche probably
oh gosh yes
let's be honest
i gave it up for lent
olympics
it's bound to happen
hahaah, ok, that is poor
18, not 17.
haha "pre-teen girl" ??
in canada and "american canada": montana, dakotas, etc
ok, that is a bit theatrical.

also, an abortion of cinema wouldn't have produced a movie...

 
At 5:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://www.natashazoe.blogspot.com/

thought you might enjoy it when you've got a deadline

 
At 7:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

lots of crotch shots = good movie

 
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