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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Friday, April 14, 2006

Not a C-R-E-E-P

A lot of my job is ruled by the feast or famine law, which I don't think anyone has ever referred to as an actual 'law' until this very moment. Right now we're in the feast section, which means I'm busy to the point of panicking and instead of being able to work, the only thing I can think about is how little time I actually have before deadlines pop up. It's these times that I'm ridiculously stressed out that I have the greatest tendency to weird people out or create scenes that end in awkward silences and shuffled feet (see: post from yesterday, see: my entire life).

Yesterday while walking the D-O-G,* I ran into a mother taking a walk with her 9 year-old daughter. The daughter asked if she could pet the dog and since Stella Cool J loves the masses like a proverbial fat kid loves proverbial cake, I told her to go ahead. The mom and I chatted for a bit about dogs and children (shudder) and all was well with the universe until the dog started sniffing up the girl's skirt. I pulled the dog back, gave it a stern "No" accompanied by a VERY frowny face, then turned to apologize to the girl and her mom. Thinking in my head about how, if this were the movies, this scene would be accompanied by weird, stringy music and later there would be a scene of the family at the dinner table talking about the incident and how their child should probably stay away from the girl with the dog, I just blurted out of nowhere "I didn't train the dog to do that!" with an enthusiasm so very inappropriate for the context. Lesson learned here: any time you randomly blurt out what you didn't do in the middle of nowhere, it automatically makes you look like you did actually do it. Try it the next time you go to a party. If everyone's talking about their jobs or a movie they've seen or something adorable their kid did, blurt out of nowhere "I don't have syphilis!" or "I don't like the way my own farts smell!" It works every time.

Not knowing how to recover, I just kind of stood there and stared at the mother who in turn stood there and stared at me in total silence for what seemed like 10 whole minutes before shuffling her kid off down the street without a word. Weirded out by my own orange-level awkwardness, I was tempted to yell behind her, "I'm really not a creep! Really!," but at the last minute thought better of it.

*Chris claims that you have to spell the word or else the D-O-G will know you're talking about it. This is, of course, totally overlooking the fact that the D-O-G spends the majority of its day sleeping and sniffing other animals' A-S-S-E-S, so I'm not sure if learning to spell is high on its priority L-I-S-T.


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