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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Friday, April 28, 2006

This is the strangest thing I've seen all week (favorite line: "To this I say ā€” HOGWASH!"). It's been a full week of weird. I'm off to New York, where the freaks go to breed. Hopefully good stories to come when I get back.

Between the blog and my job, I get a good bit of e-mail about my writing. Honestly, most of it good, occassionally a complaint, and every now and then something just bizarre, so bizarre that it doesn't make sense at all. Here is an excerpt of a non-spam e-mail I received yesterday requesting me to help "infiltrate evil websites:"

"I pray, 'Almighty Jesus, for the sake of those molested children and those starving people in Africa, please Jesus, place your Curse of Justice on the Catholic Church and help us writing, spineless, cowards, to promote Pope John Paul as a candidate for hell Amen...Thank you Jesus for not allowing me to become immune to my Countries coldness: A coldness where our government leaders talk of Your Christian values but grow corn for gasoline, not for the starving. Please Jesus, place Your painful Curse Of Justice on those deserving hypercritics and their next ten generations. Jesus, I beg you to please let Your Just-full Curse of pain be witnessed so others will learn and thus help the poor. If Iā€™m wrong in this request of the obvious then dam [sic] me to hell.ā€

I read this and after taking a moment to process it's dangerous levels of crazitude, all I could think was, there's corn in gasoline? Who knew?

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Help a Brotha Out?

Hey Kids, do you love talking about your sex life with strangers? Who doesn't? Have I got a deal for you. I've got a last-minute deadline and I'm scrambling to find people between the ages of 18 and 35 who are involved in a relationship to talk about how they communicate in bed with their partner, both verbally and nonverbally. The article will focus on tips for effective sexual communication and advice from couples on how they overcame problems in the bedroom. Pseudonyms are fine. This article will be for a women's issues web site. If anyone fits this criteria and would be down for a quick 15-minute interview this week, let me know (postgradnothing@gmail.com). Those who participate will receive a copy of the article once it's out as well as an AWESOME* giftbag mailed directly to your home from me (seriously, I'll really mail you a gift! I'm crazy appreciative like that!).

* giftbag may or may not be awesome.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Yesterday I went to the biggest sausage party of my life

literally. Everyone's a tease.

Monday, April 24, 2006

A Few Announcements

Happy Birthday Nic. Thanks Virginia Blog Carnival.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Reasons Why I Both Love and Hate New York

Courtesy of Time Out New York.

I'm headed to the Big Apple on Friday. Any suggestions on cool stuff to do?

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Regarding James Frey

"Hold on to what? If you're drinking and using and all you got is dope and booze and you're probably a liar and a thief, what the f--- [sic] do you want to hold on to that for? You've destroyed your family relationships, you got no-good two-faced friends. What the f--- you going to hold on to?"

~Spoken by Cupcake Brown:

Sidenote: I love this picture because it looks like candy or money is about to rain down from the sky on her.

The definition of badass, Cupcake Brown was born into poverty, found her mother dead of a seizure at age 11, was taken into foster care where she survived sexual and physical abuse, began prostituting herself at age 12, joined a gang, and got shot by a drive-by when she was 15. Cupcake Brown, unlike Frey, actually is a recovering drug addict, having been hooked on heroin, crystal meth, crack, coke, marijuana, LSD, and alcohol. After hitting rehab, Cupcake Brown put herself through community college, then transferred to San Diego State University where she graduated Magna Cum Laude. She then put herself through law school at the University of San Francisco and wrote a book. Today Brown is a lawyer, earning a $100,000+ salary per year and collecting royalties on her best-selling autobiography, A Piece of Cake. In the Entertainment Weekly article that quote is from, Brown goes on to call Frey, "a sober, lying son of a bitch." And they say we're not ready for a black president.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Happy Spring Jerkfaces

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Oh please, like you guys don't have a gigantic disgusting vat of pure duck fat just hanging around your apartment.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Things I've Found Today That Have Disturbed Me

1. No commentary necessary.
2. Oh Texas, there you go again.
3. Points for the phrase "Corn to be Wild"
4. I have absolutely no idea what the context for this picture could possibly be. I imagine the person who made this to be closely related to the man featured in #1.
5. Why is the entire cast of Growing Pains wearing Tampax? Why is Speedy Gonzalez standing on a gigantic penis? I've never dropped acid, but this is what I would imagine it's like.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

I came very, very close to purchasing this today, but the cheap in me beat out the geek in me in a battle to the finish. In totally unrelated news, I also found this creepy picture.

Sleep well kiddies.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Not a C-R-E-E-P

A lot of my job is ruled by the feast or famine law, which I don't think anyone has ever referred to as an actual 'law' until this very moment. Right now we're in the feast section, which means I'm busy to the point of panicking and instead of being able to work, the only thing I can think about is how little time I actually have before deadlines pop up. It's these times that I'm ridiculously stressed out that I have the greatest tendency to weird people out or create scenes that end in awkward silences and shuffled feet (see: post from yesterday, see: my entire life).

Yesterday while walking the D-O-G,* I ran into a mother taking a walk with her 9 year-old daughter. The daughter asked if she could pet the dog and since Stella Cool J loves the masses like a proverbial fat kid loves proverbial cake, I told her to go ahead. The mom and I chatted for a bit about dogs and children (shudder) and all was well with the universe until the dog started sniffing up the girl's skirt. I pulled the dog back, gave it a stern "No" accompanied by a VERY frowny face, then turned to apologize to the girl and her mom. Thinking in my head about how, if this were the movies, this scene would be accompanied by weird, stringy music and later there would be a scene of the family at the dinner table talking about the incident and how their child should probably stay away from the girl with the dog, I just blurted out of nowhere "I didn't train the dog to do that!" with an enthusiasm so very inappropriate for the context. Lesson learned here: any time you randomly blurt out what you didn't do in the middle of nowhere, it automatically makes you look like you did actually do it. Try it the next time you go to a party. If everyone's talking about their jobs or a movie they've seen or something adorable their kid did, blurt out of nowhere "I don't have syphilis!" or "I don't like the way my own farts smell!" It works every time.

Not knowing how to recover, I just kind of stood there and stared at the mother who in turn stood there and stared at me in total silence for what seemed like 10 whole minutes before shuffling her kid off down the street without a word. Weirded out by my own orange-level awkwardness, I was tempted to yell behind her, "I'm really not a creep! Really!," but at the last minute thought better of it.

*Chris claims that you have to spell the word or else the D-O-G will know you're talking about it. This is, of course, totally overlooking the fact that the D-O-G spends the majority of its day sleeping and sniffing other animals' A-S-S-E-S, so I'm not sure if learning to spell is high on its priority L-I-S-T.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Conversation From Today

Potential Client: "You seem really organized and together. You're pretty type A aren't you?"

Me: "I didn't put on pants until ten minutes before this interview. It's now 1PM. I hope that answers your question."

[awkward silence]

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Unsolicited Advice

If you ever make a bet with a seven year-old, make damn sure you can win. Specifically, if a first-grade girl looks up at you with her big, brown eyes and her chubby rosy cheeks and asks "If you mix oil and water, which will float?" and you, while making dinner, scrubbing pots, and thinking about your own job, say off the top of your head, "Water of course!," with a boom of confidence that implies that you not only know all about density, but about myriad other scientific topics too having graduated from an accredited university, do not make that claim or any other into a formal bet. Otherwise, you may find yourself totally wrong, totally embarassed, and in total silence for about 10 minutes before receiving a "special delivery" like this:

Other things you also never should do with a seven year-old include accidentally fouling her in a game of basketball. Should that occur, said seven year-old may look up at you with those same big, brown eyes and chubby, rosy cheeks and say without the hint of a smile, "You're ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak."

Monday, April 03, 2006

Necessities in a House Where Everyone Is Under Five Feet Six

Sunday, April 02, 2006

A Couple of Things I've Noticed Since Owning a Dog

#1: Everything that I hate about pet owners (e.g. talking to the pet in a ridiculous voice, attributing human traits to an animal dumb enough to sometimes eat its own feces, drawing parallels between having a dog and having a baby, having nothing to contribute to conversations besides how great your stupid pet is) - it's a struggle not to become that. I'm so losing (e.g. this very post).

#2: There's a whole dog owner subculture. I took Stella Cool J (that's the dog's name) to a park specially designed for such beasts and a woman came up to me and started talking about her dog's scorching case of diarrhea, which as it turns out, my dog was experiencing as well. I wish it was ok to go up to people in regular parks and talk about your rectal problems. That would be awesome/horrifying.