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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Just Like The Kid's Section of the Newspaper

How many unforgivable fashion no-nos can you spot on this Victoria's Secret Catalogue page?

Answer: Too many to count.

*double click photos for an alarmingly close view of how much Victoria's Secret hates the human body.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Yesterday Chris couldn't figure out how to get our wireless router to work. The scene was exactly like this if you replace all the yelling and throwing things with heavy sighing and looks so dramatic they should only be reserved for the actual day of the apocalypse.

Link found courtesy of Melting Dolls.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

While sending an e-mail to a friend, I received a link to this. Mmmm, Savory Spam Crescents. Delicious.

Other Chris: You know in your heart that that's not really our cat right? Just because we pet it and buy it salmon, doesn't mean it actually is ours. You're going to confuse it, calling the cat something different than its actual name.

Me: Look at the cat's face and tell me that Lion-O isn't the name he was destined to have. It's not my fault if its "real owners" probably call him something dumb like Mittens or Furball.

Chris: Lion-O is the name the cat was destined to have?

Me: Duh, it's just like that scene in X2 when Magneto's all "What's your name" to John Allerdyce and he's all "John" and Magneto's all "No, what's your REAL name" and Allerdyce is all, "Pyro" even though in the comic books, Mystique was the one who really recruited Pyro to the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, not Magneto. We're helping the cat find its true identity, but not in a bad guy sort of way.

Chris: Honest to God you are the biggest dork I know.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Spontaneous Update

Dear Everyone:

I am writing to you from a cafe near my house. 10 minutes ago I was just sitting around working on my laptop, then all of a sudden a bluegrass band came in and right this very minute there's a man playing the fiddle so hard he's actually sweating through his beard. Also a girl just walked in wearing a Storm Troopers mask for no apparent reason. I feel like my head is going to explode from all the awesomeness.


Thursday, February 16, 2006

Greatest Valentine's Day Card Ever:

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

This Is Why Everyone Should Live With a Chef At Least Once Before They Die

Conversation From Today:

Me: Chris, what in the world is that? [points to bizarre dirt-colored thing]

Boyfriend: It's a piece of lamb.

Me: Why is it in our shower?

Boyfriend: It's probably left over from when I dumped lamb stock in our bathtub.

Me: What was lamb stock doing in our bathtub?

Boyfriend: Today I made an awesome lamb stock and the pot was too big to put in the sink, so I dumped the leftovers into the bathtub. I froze the lamb stock in a muffin container. I'm calling them Stockey Pucks.

Me: It's the clever that makes Stockey Pucks so delicious.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Excerpt From E-mail Received Today

"Dear Chris:

I'll see your Nice Guys May Get Cornholed and raise you one owl with a clown face pecking a dismembered baby,

one alligator eating a baby while a clown and blow-up doll look on from a lifeguard tower,

and one picture of two newly married clowns driving off to Hot Springs while dragging several babies behind them.

These were found by image searching the word 'clown.' Your move Couch."

Friday, February 10, 2006

Open Letter

Dear Guy Who Marketed the Tampons I Just Purchased:

* double click for closer view

I know you're a dude because a woman would never use the words "barrel" and "plunger" to refer to parts of a tampon. Those are parts of a revolver, not something you put into nature's safety deposit box. You may as well have used the words "battering ram" and "turkey baster" in reference to "the goonya." Barrels and plungers do not make me personally feel like "tampons can be used comfortably and with confidence." Those words make me feel like, by using your product, a fat man with a plumber's crack (stereotype alert!) is going to show up at my door with a tool box and offer to tighten the screws on my genitals. No thank you is what I say to that. No thank you indeed. You work on not making your consumer feel like a broken vehicle and I'll work on taking a non-blurry picture. Together we can make things better for everyone.


Thursday, February 09, 2006

Highlight of the Day

Said while watching an episode of Six Feet Under

"That woman is simply covered in slut sauce."
~ My mother

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Warning: Contains the verb 'Cornholed'

On a scale of one to, I don't know, twelve, one being not creepy at all and twelve being this woman-level creepy:

How creepy do you think it is, hypothetically of course, for someone who works at home by herself (or himself) all day, to let the neighbor's cat in every once in a while just to hang out? If you ask me, someone who would never let the a strange person's pet inside just because there's a wealth of Virginia ham in the fridge and it's all going to go bad if we just leave it there, I don't think it's all that weird, maybe a little pathetic, but no more than a 3 on the creepiness scale. Given the fact that I have several outfits which in and of themselves would warrant at minimum a five, a three is nothing. Child's play. If you ask the boyfriend, letting a strange person's cat into your home (even if the first time was purely by accident), ranks right up there with building statues out of one's own feces. Either way, the person who designed this (see below, found while Google searching 'creepy people') takes the cake. That guy gets a 9 in my book.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

I'm way above making fun of a seventh grader who made a music video of Rich Girl to advertise her Bat Mitzvah, but thankfully the folks over at Snarkcity aren't. Zionist conspiracy joke, too tasteless even for me.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Pants On, Pants Off

My kinda people.