Excerpts From Today

Me: "Hey, I've been busy and you've been busy and I kind of miss you. Do you want to hang out today?"
Boyfriend: "I can't, I'm watching a special on the history of hot dogs."

[awkward silence]

Two Things I Love About Wikipedia

#1) These guys got their own entry

#2) After their description, Wikipedia lists "See Also Wigger" and "See Also Poser."

Greatest Senior Picture Ever

Once again, stolen from George! I am embarassingly unoriginal.

Yesterday I may have had a make-out session with Lizzie McGuire playing in the background. Today I might feel dirty and ashamed.

He's a Maniac, Maaaaaaniac

Me: "With those awesome moves, you should have done high school show choir"
Admiral Jazz Hands: "That shit is gay. I did theatre."

And the Winner of Most Bizarre College Tradition Is...

Reason #7859403 to stay the hell out of Texas:

"Hump It Aggies! Aggies yell from a peculiar position called a 'hump.' To 'hump it,' students bend over and place their hands on their knees, thus enabling everyone behind them to see what's going on while the yell is in progress and also extending their diaphragms for maximum possible volume."

~Excerpt from the Texas A&M Galveston Student Handbook
Available online here.

Also from the Student Handbook:
"Just before the annual clash between Texas A&M and Texas University, seniors gather by the Academic Building and wander about campus in lines like dying elephants seeking a secluded place to end their days. This is symbolic of the fact that seniors about to graduate have almost outlived their usefulness to the Twelfth Man."

And people doubt that this is the best country on earth...

Finally, a school that has both a midget cheerleader (keep refreshing, you'll see it) and a creepy guy that hangs out at the library in his underwear at 2AM. I knew I should have gone out of state for college.

Things Read While Casually Perusing the Singles Listings

"Growing up most kids have an imaginary friend, mine was a duck named bonkers."

"I'm a nerdo-sexual. I suppose that may scare some people away"

"You may not be Pacific Island enough for me"

"I am frequently told how cute I am by women my mother's age"

"What can I get for ten dollars?"

According to a 2002 edition of Teen People (it only gets worse from here), I am more of an astro-match with Zhang Ziyi than with Gideon Yago. Thanks a lot Teen People. I was trying to remove the phrase 'blow me' from my daily vocabulary.

If I Ever Write A Movie, It Will Be Called "America, What the Fuck?"

Heard on the radio today:

"My husband and I got married on Halloween. He was Chucky and I was the bride of Chucky. The best man was the devil and the maid of honor was an angel. All of our groomsmen were the KKK. It was awesome."

Now all my dreams can come true.

I found my doppleganger. And she's blonde. And she lives on the west coast. Naturally.

Statistics on Being Home

Number of times I cried on the flight back: 1, but only because I was seated next to a 13 year old Isreali boy who told me about all the bombings he had seen and how he wasn't scared of turbulence at all. I will NOT be schooled by a 13 year old boy.

Number of people who greeted us at the airport: 9

Most touching 'home' moment: the gigantic banner my family hand-painted and stretched across the yard (photos coming)

Amount of time it took to hear a Nelly song: 46 minutes

Weirdest part about being home: Completely vertical walls. What? There was a time when I lived in a place with 4 90 degree walls?

Stupidest thought I've had so far: "Isn't it weird that all of these people speak English? Does asking that question make me a Euro asshole?"

Number of times I've had to suppress myself from telling a France story because it's sounded too pretentious: 7

Best thing anyone has asked me thus far: "Awwww yeah, are you ready to get crunk?" ~my ridiculously whitebred 13 year old nephew just before I kicked his ass in a game of cards.

Worst faux-pas I've committed so far: Using the phrase "it's not like your mom died or anything" to someone who's mother actually did die.

Thing I miss most about La France: All the weirdos. Today I went to a subpar cafe and I didn't see one transvestite, street performer, degenerate, fashionista, purse snatcher, carpet bagger, renaissance fair attendant, or person dressed like their dog. Honestly, what the hell is wrong with this country?

We lose our internet and phone tomorrow. Jetset for the U.S. on Friday. See you on the other side of the world chumps.

Notes from Normandy

If you happen to be German and you also happen to be hanging around Omaha beach...as in THE Omaha beach with your children, it would probably be best to tell them to leave their plastic guns at home. If they insist on bringing plastic guns to one of the bloodiest battlefields in Europe, at least tell them not to shoot passing tourists. If they insist still on shooting passing tourists, ask them to please stay still long enough for said tourists to photograph your 6 year old shooting beached Americans from on top of the Omaha beach memorial. At this point, a photograph is the least you can do.