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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Monday, November 28, 2005

Bad Girls Go To Hell

The beauty of having nieces and nephews is that you get some of the joys of being a parent without the drawbacks of having to actually give birth or take responsibility for the children. Nieces and nephews are like fun young playmates that go home at the end of the day. I promise you that in the future, I will never ever refer to a family member or anyone else as a 'fun young playmate.'

The downside of having nieces and nephews is that you will be expected to babysit and at one point or another you WILL get put in a position where you have to become a parent without any of the necessary training that goes along with such a position. This was the case two weeks ago when my sister "fell faint" as they say in Laura Ingalls Wilder books and I was in charge of taking care of her 7 year old daughter who, most of the time, is the closest thing to an angel this poor, sad world has ever seen. But this was not most of the time, and I know it's wrong to think of a seven year old as a bitch, but seriously, no other word comes to mind except for hatefulbitch (it's German), which is even worse.

I don't know if it was the tides or the moon or the lust to feast on human souls that sometimes strikes an underage demon from deep within, but whatever the cause, this kid was a wreck. The screaming I could take. The throwing things I could take. The stomping and locking herself in her room and kicking her brother and telling me that she hated me...all of these things I could take. What I could not take was the level crimson attitude which I am positive was nothing more than karma from my teenage years coming back to bite me in the proverbial rear end.

So after 3 hours of taking crap, when lucifer's cutest spawn told me that she didn't ever have to help anyone clear the table "because do you know what I have? I have 2 credit cards. I have a check book. I have a cell phone. And people like me don't have to talk to you,"
I did what any good, loving parent who was arm-deep trying to clear out the garbage disposal would do...I covered young Satanette with a handful of whatever was in my sister's drain.

She gasped. I gasped. And we both just looked at each other in total silence as old egg whites and leftover lentils oozed out of her hair and down the back of her shirt. Nobody said a word for at least two whole minutes. I didn't know whether to feel horrible that I had literally covered a 7 year old in food waste or awesome that I had brought about two tude-free minutes by whatever means necessary.

Finally I just went over, hugged her, wiped her face off, and put her in time out for ten minutes while I finished cleaning up. As soon as she got up, we had no problems at all and after a quick bath, the night ended with high fives and a rousing game of Shrek 2 Monopoly Junior. Tucking her in, she whispered, "It's fun when you come over Chris" and it was only then that I began to feel sick with guilt.


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