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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Friday, November 04, 2005

And the Winner Is...

For all the talent my boyfriend has in the kitchen - and boy howdy does that kid have some talent - I am equally as gifted when it comes to finding the awesomely bad. I'll just go ahead and admit it. Finding weird shit is my mutant power [takes bow]. Naturally when Chris and I had friends over for a dinner/low-budget horror movie night, I was the one sent to ye olde video store to find the recorded gem that would rank just as high on the awesomely bad scale as the boyfriend's pork and porcini mushroom ragu served with white asparagus and home-made pumpkin pie ice cream scored on the gastronomic scale. The bar was set high, so I set off early to do what I had to do.

Entering "Cockbuster," as I heard an eighth grade boy call it once, I could feel an awesomely bad electricity in the air...I would indeed find my prize tonight and the glory of the B-rated movie would be savored and celebrated by all. After sifting through some early 90's movie about prison lesbians that get trapped in a demon brothel and The Ice Cream Man, a film which can best be described simply by showing you this picture:

I mean honestly, there are eyeballs right in that crazy man's ice cream, what further reason do you need to take that movie home? I saw it...just sitting there among the other cinematic dullards...the film that would change awesomely bad movie-watching history:

BOA VERSUS PYTHON

I knew from the box cover that BOA VERSUS PYTHON was going to be good because it had all of the hallmarks of a fantastically absurd film:

* Has the word "versus" in the title: Check
* Contains the phrase "Made for TV": Check
* Looks more like a video game than an actual film: Check, exhibit A:
* Absurd premise: Check, "When a gigantic python gets loose on a private reserve, the FBI must release an equally large boa to track and capture it as a group of wealthy big game hunters try to bag the python as a trophy for themselves."
* Cleavage right on the box cover: Check, exhibit B:
Not one of the film's 91 minutes of glory was a disappointment. My favorite part of BOA VERSUS PYTHON was that there was no pretense. The cinematic geniuses behind this work of brilliance don't try to bojangle around with a time-consuming plot introduction. No sir. In the first 5 minutes of the film you find out that there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY IN HELL that the FBI can catch a big honkin snake other than to release an equally large big honkin snake on its trail. They don't even waste your time with trying to find an alternative solution, they jump straight into the red-hot snake on snake action. Other highlights include:

* Soapy tits shown in first 10 minutes.
* Scene in which a mammouth snake eats a woman out before eating her up.
* Presence of a 30 year-old blonde big-breasted scientist who you might have seen on various episodes of The Red Shoe Diaries.
* Emotionally gripping scene in which a freakishly large snake undergoes important surgery. Bring tissues.
* Terrible low budget graphics.
* Scene in which two snakes rip a man apart and fight over his carcass.
* Main character getting ripped apart via subway car.
* No scene involving snakes getting shot by helicopter or being in the city at all as the box cover would indicate.
* Almost entirely Russian cast and crew.

Full of good food and enough novelty to last us until next Halloween, the boyfriend and I exchanged high-fives over a job well done. Showing the world what you're truly capable of is a satisfying feeling.


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