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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Monday, October 31, 2005

The Grass Is Always Greener on the Other Side of the Sea

Here's the thing about moving from a metropolis of beautiful foreigners to the medium-sized city where you grew up: the buzzkill factor is high...very high. Richmond is as fine as it ever was and it's a very decent city, but it doesn't have one-eighteenth the novelty value of a city that has it's own taxidermy store/gardening supply shop where mannequins with stuffed deer heads sell you upscale spades and clogs. Just look at this picture:

and tell me that you don't want to go to France right this very moment. It's a real deer head on human body selling you a friggin rake! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING THAT CREEPY EVEN IN YOUR WILDEST NIGHTMARES?

Between the deer raker, the group of men dressed as sharks selling train tickets that meandered down our French block one Thursday night, the man who showed me his sweltering cock in a public museum, and the guy who had made a living off of making a skeleton puppet dance to Chuck Berry songs, America just looks...well...normal, completely devoid of the freak parade that trapsies through France on a regular basis.

A week or so ago, the boyfriend and I were having coffee at an outdoor cafe around the corner from our boring apartment in boring Virginia and, I shit you not, 40 people in full zombie regalia walked by asking for our brains. It was a spontaneous zombie walk, in the middle of the day for no reason whatsoever, and being the complete curmudgeon I've become, I simply brushed it off in the classic Euro-snob "been there, done that" way. I didn't even run to get my camera. What in the world is happening? I'm like an Olsen twin, wasting away into a bland oblivion of nothingness.

Bonus pictures of the taxidermy gardening shop:

My favorite part of this picture is the creepy man-hands:

Monday, October 24, 2005

High Point of the Day

Thank YOU Whirligigs A. Vivisection for filling up my spam box and having such a righteous name.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

I cannot help but laugh every time I see this. It's a wonder I ever graduated from the sixth grade.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

An Awkward Sensation in Four Easy Steps

1. Google Image search "Hilary Duff"

2. Click on the last image on page one. That should bring you here.

3. Click on said image one more time.

4. Silently thank both Erik Estrada and whoever took that photo.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Conversations From Today

Mom: Did you hear that rap song that just played?

Me: Big Pimpin? Yeah, that song came out years ago.

Mom: Well, I just know that if you put your mind to it, you can play the flute just as well as that guy.

Me: I'm going to go home right now and work on my jazz flute skills so that the next time a flute-inflected hip hop album comes out, I'll be ready to audition.

Mom: Thank you honey.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

You wouldn't think that Luray, Virginia would have anything as cool as a reptile jungle
but you'd be wrong. Directly across from Wal-Mart on highway 211 West lies a mecca of things that slither

and sun
and do whatever this guy does:

If, like me,
snakes freak you the fuck out

there are plenty of signs that put everything into perspective
and you can just close your eyes when you get to the cage containing the 160-pound python.
There are other animals too
Some you can even pet
But nothing with fur will remind you of just how easily it can both hide itself and kill you, like the snake.
As you say goodbye to the Luray Zoo and Reptile Jungle,
you'll leave knowing just how far we've come on the evolutionary ladder.
And that will make you smile. This was one of the best birthdays ever.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Nothing says "Happy Birthday Love of My Life" like a trip to an out of town reptile jungle and gator farm. Pictures to come on Tuesday.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

24 Candles

Every day, every hour, every minute you grow one tiny step closer to death. But on one very special day out of the year, people will give you presents (for free!) just for kickin it one year longer. Birthdays are the only time out of the whole year that people come together just to celebrate being alive. No required service to attend. No overarching non-selfish theme to keep in the back of your mind. No obligation to deal with family members you may or may not like. Your birthday is your day just to celebrate being able to celebrate. As the wholely unlikeable Carrie Bradshaw once said, "Well that's just fabulous."

I've spent this week getting pumped for the big 2-4 (coming up in T-2 days) and thanks to a prompt from Valeree Lynn, I decided to look up what other fabulous things happened on October 10. The answer: death, destruction, and general misery. Apparently nothing good has ever happened on October 10 in the history of the world. Those not drinking heavily and singing sea shanties with me on 10-10 could perhaps spend the day remembering Custer's funeral, a kidnapping in Canada, a postal worker went on a murderous rampage, and a major battle in Vietnam began. If you're not yet thoroughy depressed, just think about the 800 children that were gassed at Auschwitz on that day. Thankfully there is a silver lining. Darwin did publish something on mold and worms exactly 100 years before I was born. This year's birthday theme: parasites and party hats.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

I just received an e-mail that ended with, "P.S. So I'm porking this chick the other day. I roll her over and it's your sister! WEIRD..." I might have the greatest friends on earth.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Girl Alert

There aren't a lot of things in the romantic department that make me gush, but this is definitely one of them. Congratulations Dave and Raina.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

The idea is that the Harry Potter from Year 7 and the Harry Potter from Year 4 started a rock band. And now, no one can stop the wizard rock.
I'm speechless. I have no speech.