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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The Next Step

Boyfriend: Do you think we're ready?
Me: Frankly yes. We've been together for a long time. We've been through a lot together. I think it's time to take the next step. I'm ready to do this with you.
Boyfriend: It's just that it's so much committment
Me: I know Chris, but think of the chicks man. Think of the chicks.

There comes a point in every relationship when you have to decide whether or not this is someone you can see yourself experiencing the ultimate with in the future. If you're together long enough, you'll have to take a good, long look at your significant other and decide if this is THE person with whom you'd like to own a pet. I firmly believe that after when a man really loves a woman (or other man or man dressed as a woman or man taking hormones to become a woman, ad infinitum), the natural inclination is to move in, get a dog (or cat if you're into useless wastes of life...sorry Miso), train that dog to sit when you say "drop it like it's hot," and spend your days watching Netflix together and discussing Lindsay Lohan's funbags (seriously, where did they go? Are they on vacation?). That stuff's in the Bible or something. It's how GOD intended it.

Besides making you a morally superior person, pets will always hang out with you, no matter how much you miss the Euro city of freaks you just came from and believe that you may never have anything else exciting happen in your life ever again. If, you know, hypothetically, that's how you selfishly feel about anything right now. Not that I know anyone who feels like that.

How do you know you're ready to go balls deep? I wasn't convinced that I was ready to take the next step until I saw how heart meltingly delightful the next step could be. Not to go all girl on you, but seriously, look at the next step:

It would take someone with a robot heart to look at that dog and not want to bring it home. It would take someone who's soul is black as tar. It would take my boyfriend 30 seconds to look at that dog, coo over it, then stare straight into its sweet, pixelated face and shoot the idea down completely.

There comes a point in every relationship when you realize that your significant other is actually a cold-blooded freak. Now it's just a matter of coping with that.


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