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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Friday, July 15, 2005

My friend Christine has a thing for men in uniform. I have a thing for not spending a lame-o evening at home so when we learned of the annual Fireman's Ball being held tonight, the sun, moon, and stars all aligned and we were there. What exactly is a French fireman's ball like? Well, settle back and let me spin you a yarn.

The annual fireman's ball is an enormous awesome party where there's sausage (real and euphemistic), men in uniform, and music that one might hear on a gay cruise from the 1980's. It not being a physics club or Nerd Rockers of the Future meeting (seriously, braingasm), I was fairly unimpressed with the selection of men, but what was lacking in the boy department was more than made up for in the music department. When we walked in, the band was playing Manic Monday, firemen in full regalia were dancing with girls and with each other, parents sipped champagne and watched their children gaze at the fuschia lights and smoke-filled stage. A woman in a black miniskirt, knee-high boots, a red haltar top, and a black motorcycle jacket got up and started singing It's Raining Men and all I could think of is "How can I make this woman my friend? What if I bought her some candy? Everyone likes candy."

I never did get to meet the 80's rocker of my dreams, but I did meet this very lovely boy from Scotland who I talked to for a good while about France and travel and life and math (He's a mathematician. I have no excuse). And when I excused myself to leave, he went to shake my hand and pulled me close to his chest and whispered in my ear, "I don't think you know this because of the way you carry yourself, but you're the most beautiful woman here and I wanted to be the one to tell you that." That's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me and definitely the nicest thing I've ever heard from a stranger. I was completely speechless. So after a moment, I looked him right in the eye and said the first thing on my mind.

"I have to go to the bathroom."

I have to go to the bathroom. Smooth like butter Couch. Maybe next time, you could just say 'wee wee' and point to your crotch and hope that they understand what you're talking about. Make sure to do it at another really appropriate moment too, say, during the middle of a wedding proposal or better yet, in the middle of intercourse. People love that. My own stupidity astounds me every single day.

Later in the night I ended up seeing the same kid again and he just looked at me with this weird sort of half-smile and said, "I hope you have a really great life." And I said, "I will...I mean I do...like right now [wild gesturing at this point]...I mean...shit...thank you...thank you [deep breath out]...thank you...I hope yours is great too." And I truly do.

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