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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Sex in the City of Love

Paris truly is the city of love. You can't walk down the street without running into at least one couple doing what my 8th grade science teacher would describe as "fluid swapping." To celebrate the fact that France is officially the sexiest state in the world, I've spent months compiling enough data to construct this professionally-made, incredibly scientific chart of the distribution of sexual activity in Paris. (Note: click chart for larger view)

Chart A:

As you can see from Chart A, most people are getting tang around here. After all, I do live in a city with more than one thousand casts of penises. Chart B (also very scientific, also professionally made) will illustrate how I, current mullet and all, fit in with the sexy side of this city.

Chart B:

What is it about being in a long term relationship that kills off any hope of getting any? When exactly does it happen? You're not any less hot...they're not any less hot...if anything, you're both probably more cleaned up, more confident, more put together than you ever were when you were single. Then one day you wake up and realize that you've seen more nudity in dubbed reruns of Matlock than you have in real life for the past six months. At that point, you may as well sign up for jazzercise, buy a place in Naples, Florida, and regularly start using the word "sodey" instead of Coke because baby, you're about six steps from the emotional grave.

According to my friend David (whose personality can best be summed up by simply telling you that he once willing gave himself a haircut known as "the mullet-hawk"), beyond the age of 17, girls (particularly of the non-blonde, non-cheerleading variety) become decreasingly hot. At that rate, I figure I've got about six months to turn things around before I start looking like Bea Arthur. More to come (tee hee) later...I've got some stuff to do...in the other room...nude.


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