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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Saturday, March 05, 2005

I’m sitting at the computer…a loaner computer because ours melted itself in a dramatic death scene paralleled only by that of Olivia whatsherface in the Romeo and Juliet. Our computer functions as in, I can type on it, and I guess do some other stuff, but it has no internet. I know for a fact that I was born, and in fact lived many years, before Al Gore blessed us with this invention; however, I’ve become so dependent on it, all I can do now is look at the machine I’m currently typing on skeptically and think, “I guess it could hold papers down or something, you know, if it was windy.” As far as I’m concerned, a computer sans internet, no, sans high-speed internet, is an item that belongs under a glass case two stops over from the Neanderthal exhibit. I’m looking at this thing which in terms of timeline is not actually that old, and I can only imagine its place in a world where butter was churned by hand and witches were burned at stakes. “I bet a Pentium II was the kind of computer the slaves used.”

The concept that there was a time when people lived their entire lives without ever doing a single shitty office job involving staring at a computer all day long is fascinating and almost frightening to me. How did they do their banking? How did they watch DVDs? Where did they find their porn? Who was there to offer them low, low interest rate mortgages? What kind of sick, twisted society did we evolve from? The idea that you can find low-brow humor anywhere in this world outside of the internet is mind-blowing. If I ever procreate, my kids will undoubtedly ask Mommy what life was like before the flickering altar of technology existed and to that, I’ll simply have to say, “Don’t call it ‘life’ honey, it was something else entirely.”

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