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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Friday, February 25, 2005

The Rhythm of my Heart

My haircut currently resembles:

A) An overzealous Bon Jovi fan
B) The unattractive one from Charles in Charge
C) Linda from The Wedding Singer
D) All of the above

If you answered D, you just won What does this free foreign haircut remind me of Bingo! Acceptable write-in answers would have been 80's College student or The Pseudo-Lesbo One From The Facts of Life.

Some time ago, I took advantage of the free "fashion haircut" offer through Toni and Guy's Hair Academy, where the degrade-and-conquer tactic of approaching future clients is in full effect. The visit began with me letting my hair down and them using the words "devastating" and "irreparable" and "catastrophic." People, if you keep this up, you're going to have no words left to describe actual bad things.

So I took off my beloved raccoon glasses, which I depend on for both sight and mutant powers, and relaxed as my hair got scientifically chopped to all lengths between 1 inch (seriously) and 1 foot. At the end, a man with who was not wearing a mesh shirt, but certainly had the tattoo of one came over, gave me my glasses and said, Do you love it?

I didn't love it. I didn't love anything about it. I did not love that I could accurately be described as "business in the front, party in the back." I didn't love the fact that now everyone would know that I secretly raise my goblet of rock to Guns N Roses almost every day. I didn't love that the only job I could now apply for was dancing on the hood of Twisted Sister's car. And while some may revel in knowing someone that's currently sporting what can only be classified as a crucial mullet (I'm thinking of you here Brando), I'm unsympathetic to any sort of novelty on my head besides maybe an award-winning mustache. In terrible French, all I could say was, "No! I do not like these hairs!"

So the mesh tattoo man said, "What could we do to make you love it?"

And again, all I could say was, "I am not familiar! I has none idea what occurred on my hairs! They was very very big and now is very small here and not small here and more not small here. I seem sad because I appear like someone who may not be me."

Let me just give you this hint: If you ever get a shitty haircut in France, make sure you say the phrase they was very very big and now is very small here and not small here and more not small here with a lot of emphasis. This sentence really gets your point across.

I heard Mesh-too say to the woman who cut my hair, "the Americans, they are only here because it's free," and I didn't know how to say, "The Japanese chick behind me who now looks like 'If I Could Turn Back Time' Cher doesn't seem too thrilled either." It didn't matter. Scathing words can never replace well-coiffed hair. 4PM, heart in hand and hair on floor, I stepped back into the heart of Paris, in search of the Journey albums I missed as a kid.


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