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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

My Sticky-Fingered Filcher

The boyfriend is undeniably a better human being than I am. I don't mean that as some sort of bizarrely sentimental sack of horse pooh. I mean, objectively, when all things are counted, he's a better human, as is evidenced by his lack of swearing, his punctuality, and the fact that he's never once hit someone's car with his own on purpose. Punctuality will probably get you into the kingdom of heaven, whereas recycled underwear from your mother will get you a good story to lay on the family at Christmas.

I've always thought that the boyfriend was simply born better, which is ok, because I was born hotter...or better at trig...or something. As it turns out, the boyfriend was not actually born better, but rather would just make a shitty evil-doer, scratch that, ne'er-do-well.

When writing an article on dorm theft, this conversation occurred:

Me: Hey, what are some valuable things students keep in dorms?

The boyfriend: I don't know, laptops, iPods, rare books?

Me: Rare books? Sorry, I can't come to class today because my first edition copy of The Once and Future King was snagged?

The boyfriend: People could have rare books in their dorm. I have a rare book. I loaned it to Mike. [awkward pause here] How about shoes? People have nice shoes.

Me: Shoes? [skeptical glance]

The boyfriend: People kill for good shoes, I read about it...in a book...but not a rare one.

Me: If you're a kid on campus who needs money and you have 2 minutes in someone's room to steal things, you're going for the shoe collection?

The boyfriend: Expensive linens? Textiles?
[Who uses the word 'textiles?']

Me: 2 minutes in a dorm and you're going for the linens?

The boyfriend: Yes, I would strip the bed, grab The Once and Future King and The Shroud of Turin and run....Fuck. This is going on the site right? I can't stop being charming. People are going to send me proposals. I make you seem soooo cool.

He's now conducting the John Phillip Sousa U.S. Marine Corps Hymn from our Futon. Proposals can be sent directly to Chris.Mattera@gmail.com.


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