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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Sunday, December 26, 2004

National Treasure: Sort of Lives Up to Its Name

First off, any movie in which something is literally pried from cold, dead fingers within the first 15 minutes automatically wins my heart. Here's how National Treasure ranked:

*Something being pried from cold, dead fingers: +7
*Presence of tri-cornered hat: +5
*Blonde woman who cannot be older than 28 who supposedly holds a Ph.D.: +3
*Blonde Ph.D. holding woman falling for balding, slightly overweight man: +3
*Explosion in snow: +4
*Euro-looking head bad guy (complete with barely shoulder-length mane): +2
*Knowing characters are out of danger because scary music stops: +1
*Distict absence of one-liners such as "The things I'm gonna do for my country:" -10
*Unnecessary amount of fire: +3
*Absence of titties: -5
*Only one black guy: -6
*Unique eye equipment: +2
*Direct knock-off of Dan Brown (decent researcher..maybe...terrible writer): -4
*No training sequence: -5
*Small chance of sequel in which none of the original actors return, only their characters: -7

TOTAL: -7

All in all, National Treasure is going to rank in the negative because it didn't involve anything cool like someone vomiting bats or using an unlikely object, say a bunch of spatulas duct taped together, as a surfboard. In addition, my heart was yearning for obscenely bad one-liners and a love scene between the wrong people at the wrong time and preferably, in an extremely uncomfortable place (like the back of a Volkswagen). Lacking the flair of xXx and the number of black people in You Got Served, National Treasure finds itself teetering on the edge of Awesomely Bad and merely Bad. Your move Mr. Cage.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Merry Christmas Everyone! (probably just Steve, maybe Mr. John Z. if I'm lucky. For the new year, must work on becoming an internet celebrity).

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Back home in the good old RVA, feelin sassy and lookin for love. Just to be clear, by 'feelin sassy,' I mean 'today I bought new underwear' and by 'lookin for love,' I mean 'for the next three weeks, nobody except our creepy whitebred neighbors will get to see them and that's only because the blinds in our house only sort of work.' Welcome back to life with your parents Chris.

Some things I've noticed since I've been back:

1. I am outwardly and obnoxiously grateful to everyone here who speaks English. Yesterday while at Taco Bell, I actually thought, "even the fast food people speak English, this is the best country on Earth I tell you." Permission to openly refer to me as Cletus the Slackjawed Yokel: Granted.

2. The U.S. is the best place on Earth to find any of the following:

~Really bizarre Christmas ornaments. The boyfriend and I buy a ridiculously awkward ornament every year. This year's choice was a clear plastic snowman with an ice cube for a head being pulled out of a freezer by what appears to be a pair of calipers. I was charmed because the snowman is smiling. You don't see that a lot with anything involving calipers. The smiling snow cube was chosed over a monkey standing up straight on a Victorian bed, a thin woman dressed as a watermelon, a cow skeleton, and an All-American santa shitting a miniature Statue of Liberty. It's times like these when I wish I wasn't a cheapskate and could purchase enough space to post a picture.

~Depressing religious material: Walmart carries a calendar of Christ's crucifixion...nothing about turning water to wine, feeding the masses, healing the sick, ad infinitum. Just 365 painful days of Jesus slowly, slowly dying. There is NO better way to celebrate life.

~Zombie movies, for a complete list of what every zombie movie should include, see here

~Made for TV holiday specials - in all seriousness, I LOVE made for TV holiday specials almost as much as I love Army of Darkness. And although none will top Full Court Miracle (an acne-riddled team of middle school jews are simultaneously schooled in the ways of basketball and Chanukkah by a totally unstereotypical big black basketball player...hilarity and education ensues. Double points for being based on a true story), the Family Channel never disappoints.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Some thoughts on Thanksgiving abroad

This year, was the first time I've ever had a Thanksgiving away from my family and it seemed like sitting down to a meal with complete strangers, many of whom had never had a Thanksgiving before was fundamentally wrong. It's faking a real holiday and it reminded me of the time my Mom brought home her first boyfriend after my parents split and we all sat around watching movies and eating pizza as if we belonged there.

I went to our Thanksgiving get-together because the only thing worse than have an artificial holiday is not having one at all. So the boyfriend made a dish and we bought fresh bread and we lugged that dish and fresh bread through a ridiculous number of metro changes. And when we arrived, the house smelled like living, breathing people had made something there. We went through the greetings, the nationality questions, the job explanations, the invitation connections and after moments of talking and listening, we poured drinks and complimented the food and set food and people on every flat surface we could find.

And there was plenty of everything.

I just consumed the place, the people, the air, the life...and we ate and we drank and we laughed and we learned about each other and we shared a part of ourselves. We didn't say a prayer, asking for future blessings. We toasted, to who we are, to everything that brought us here. We celebrated this mock family we had created. We celebrated being together and having each other to celebrate with. It was pure and unpretentious and beautiful.

Everyone spoke. Everyone contributed. Everyone laughed from the belly up. Everyone had crumbs on their face. Everyone put away the dishes. Everyone had pink faces from wine and champagne. Everyone chose to be there out of goodwill and love, not out of obligation. Everyone celebrated because happiness is a good reason to celebrate.

And for the first time in a long time, I felt truly thankful.