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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Sunday, December 26, 2004

National Treasure: Sort of Lives Up to Its Name

First off, any movie in which something is literally pried from cold, dead fingers within the first 15 minutes automatically wins my heart. Here's how National Treasure ranked:

*Something being pried from cold, dead fingers: +7
*Presence of tri-cornered hat: +5
*Blonde woman who cannot be older than 28 who supposedly holds a Ph.D.: +3
*Blonde Ph.D. holding woman falling for balding, slightly overweight man: +3
*Explosion in snow: +4
*Euro-looking head bad guy (complete with barely shoulder-length mane): +2
*Knowing characters are out of danger because scary music stops: +1
*Distict absence of one-liners such as "The things I'm gonna do for my country:" -10
*Unnecessary amount of fire: +3
*Absence of titties: -5
*Only one black guy: -6
*Unique eye equipment: +2
*Direct knock-off of Dan Brown (decent researcher..maybe...terrible writer): -4
*No training sequence: -5
*Small chance of sequel in which none of the original actors return, only their characters: -7

TOTAL: -7

All in all, National Treasure is going to rank in the negative because it didn't involve anything cool like someone vomiting bats or using an unlikely object, say a bunch of spatulas duct taped together, as a surfboard. In addition, my heart was yearning for obscenely bad one-liners and a love scene between the wrong people at the wrong time and preferably, in an extremely uncomfortable place (like the back of a Volkswagen). Lacking the flair of xXx and the number of black people in You Got Served, National Treasure finds itself teetering on the edge of Awesomely Bad and merely Bad. Your move Mr. Cage.

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