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Tales of a Post-Grad Nothing

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Back home in the good old RVA, feelin sassy and lookin for love. Just to be clear, by 'feelin sassy,' I mean 'today I bought new underwear' and by 'lookin for love,' I mean 'for the next three weeks, nobody except our creepy whitebred neighbors will get to see them and that's only because the blinds in our house only sort of work.' Welcome back to life with your parents Chris.

Some things I've noticed since I've been back:

1. I am outwardly and obnoxiously grateful to everyone here who speaks English. Yesterday while at Taco Bell, I actually thought, "even the fast food people speak English, this is the best country on Earth I tell you." Permission to openly refer to me as Cletus the Slackjawed Yokel: Granted.

2. The U.S. is the best place on Earth to find any of the following:

~Really bizarre Christmas ornaments. The boyfriend and I buy a ridiculously awkward ornament every year. This year's choice was a clear plastic snowman with an ice cube for a head being pulled out of a freezer by what appears to be a pair of calipers. I was charmed because the snowman is smiling. You don't see that a lot with anything involving calipers. The smiling snow cube was chosed over a monkey standing up straight on a Victorian bed, a thin woman dressed as a watermelon, a cow skeleton, and an All-American santa shitting a miniature Statue of Liberty. It's times like these when I wish I wasn't a cheapskate and could purchase enough space to post a picture.

~Depressing religious material: Walmart carries a calendar of Christ's crucifixion...nothing about turning water to wine, feeding the masses, healing the sick, ad infinitum. Just 365 painful days of Jesus slowly, slowly dying. There is NO better way to celebrate life.

~Zombie movies, for a complete list of what every zombie movie should include, see here

~Made for TV holiday specials - in all seriousness, I LOVE made for TV holiday specials almost as much as I love Army of Darkness. And although none will top Full Court Miracle (an acne-riddled team of middle school jews are simultaneously schooled in the ways of basketball and Chanukkah by a totally unstereotypical big black basketball player...hilarity and education ensues. Double points for being based on a true story), the Family Channel never disappoints.

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